Spanish 101/Transcript
Cast Episode transcript Cold open Cold open, Scene 1 (Jeff pulls up to Greendale Community College in his Lexus and parks his car in a spot reserved for faculty as a voice over of Dean Pelton delivers the morning announcements to the school.) Dean Pelton (Public address system): Good afternoon, Greendale Community College. I am your dean with a few corrections to the fall class catalogue. Cosmology should be Cosmetology. Astrology should be Astronomy...and, uh, the students on the cover should be smiling, but I suppose that's a matter of opinion. (As the announcements continue Jeff grabs a faculty parking pass from a nearby car and puts it in his Lexus before heading to the Library.) Dean Pelton (P.A.): Whoever is growing a small patch of cannabis behind the gymnasium, congratulations, you have won a cruise. Report to security to claim your tickets. Cold open, Scene 2 (In the study room, the Spanish study group listens to the announcements while waiting for Jeff to arrive.) Dean Pelton (P.A.): In order to increase awareness of homelessness, security has been given binoculars. In campus news, the debate over our library's PA system continues, with some students suggesting its volume be lowered while others question its very purpose. More on that story as it unfolds. Troy: That dude makes a lot of announcements. Abed: I like it. It makes every 10 minutes feel like the beginning of a new scene of a TV show. Of course the illusion lasts until someone says something they never say on TV, like how much their life is like TV. There, it's gone. Annie: I guess Jeff's running late again. Britta: Oh, what a shame. Maybe we should get started... Shirley: No, no, no. I think we should wait for Jeff before we start studying. Annie: But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him, as a group, about his tardiness. Pierce: Oh, come on now. Don't use that word around Abed. If you want me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd do it. We've got a bond going, kind of, sort of like brothers. Troy: I hope your mom didn't make you take baths together because one of you would have been like 30. Annie: Ha, ha, ha. Shirley: That's funny. Pierce: You know Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through your tardiness. Sorry, Abed. Britta: Hey, will you guys have some self-respect? You are obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought. Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are being killed by their own government. Shirley: Baby, you done jumped a column there. What's happening in Guatemala? Britta: Nothing. Annie: Journalists are being murdered? Britta: Believe me, every day in that country, people are being killed for speaking out and the worst part of it is, when it's all over... Abed: Spoilers. Britta: ...It's gonna be as if it never happened. Hey, Abed, real stories, they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right? (Jeff finally shows up and makes a big entrance by mimicking Fonzie. Everyone but Britta cheers.) Jeff: He-e-e-ey! (Jeff begins to walk around the study table so he can greet each member individually.) Jeff (to Annie): Milady. Annie: Milord. Jeff (to Shirley): Hey, baby. Shirley: Hi, sweetie. Jeff (to Shirley): You smell nice. Jeff (to Pierce): Vitamin P. Pierce: Morning, Jeffrey. People were jazzed to see me too. (Jeff bumps fists with Troy.) Troy: Word them up. Jeff: Word them everywhere. Abed: Good entrance. Jeff: Thank you. It was for you. (Jeff finishes his lap around the table skipping Britta and sits down at his seat. He then looks to his right.) Jeff: Britta. Britta: Hey, Jeff. I think there's something that the group would like to talk to you about. Abed: Actually, there's nothing more to say. Pierce: Nice jacket. Britta: Okay, if you're gonna study with people, it would be cool of you to show up on time. Jeff: Oh. Were you waiting? Annie: No. Pierce: I just got here. Troy: No. Jeff: Because you guys spend the first 20 minutes talking about your interesting personal lives and your cool emotional problems. I just feel like I never have anything to offer. Annie: Ohh. Jeff: No, no. Truth is, my life is emptier than this three-ring binder. Annie, do you have any Spanish notes that might fit in there? Wow. Double-spaced. Thank you. So what's a guy gotta do to get a C around here? Act 1 Act 1, Scene 1 Britta: Good study. Abed: Thanks for the good study. See you. Goodbye. Jeff: Hey, you know what today is? The two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression. Britta: There's a card for that? Jeff: Well, not specifically. But if you think of grandsons as metaphors for friendship, you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man by reading from the Torah. Britta: Look, Jeff, you're harmless enough to me. A life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision. But those are good people in there, and they trust and respect you, and watching you exploit them kind of bums me out. Jeff: Exploit them? They're my friends. Abed: Can I bring your car around? Jeff: No, Abed, I don't want you bring my car around. I'll bring yours around, good guy. Britta: You get going, all right? You're cute but selfish, and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion. Jeff: She said I was cute. Pierce: Tell you what, you take her. I have less to prove. You know, Jeff, you can't pursue people so desperately. It starts to creep them out. Why don't we get a beer? I'll give you advice, and we can have what the kids are calling a sausage fest. Jeff: I'm not much of a sausage guy, Pierce. Maybe next time. Pierce: Next time then. (A foreign female student walks past him.) Pierce: Hey. Act 1, Scene 2 Shirley: Will you tell us more about Guatemala? I never went to a real college, I wanna be political. Britta: That's good. You should discover that stuff on your own. Annie: Yeah but we need your help. We've been living on the wrong side of the looking glass. You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon. You'd rather keep it real than be likeable. Shirley: Can you at least tell us what to Google? Britta: You could start with the journalist Chacata-Panecos. He wrote an article critical of the government and they killed him. Shirley: Oh. Annie: That's horrible. Shirley: Can we have a protest? I wanna protest the hell out of something. Annie: We could have a candlelight vigil, like lesbians on the news. Shirley: I could make brownies. Britta: Brownies? Act 1, Scene 3 Ben Chang: Every once in a while, a student will ask: "Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?" They say it just like that. Why do you teach Spanish? Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts? I mean, surely it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? Now, I don't wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. (Chang starts laughing in an exaggerated way.) I am a Spanish genius! In español my nickname is El Tigre Chino! (Chang leans into Shirley and pretends that he's biting her.) Because my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit. Ya bit! YA BIT! ! Okay, Friday mañana, we'll be having conversations with the rest of the class, using some phrases we learned in unit one. You'll be partnering up in pairs of dos. Heh. So if you look under your desk, you will find a card with either a picture or a word on it, okay? Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui, has a card with a picture of a house on it. So that means the person with the card with the word "casa" on it is her partner. Comprende, Star-Burns? Okay, see you Friday, find your partners, have a great day. And what do we say at the end of every class? Hasta luego! (Chang gestures with his arms.) Come on, hands. Ninety percent of Spanish. HASTA LUEGO! Good. (As the students start to leave Jeff lingers behind to talk to Abed.) Jeff: Abed...Abed...Abed, do you want to trade cards? Abed: No. Jeff: I'll give you 20 bucks. Abed: No. Jeff: Fifty bucks. Abed: No. I don't want your money. I want your shirt. Jeff: What? Abed: I've had my eye on it since registration day. Jeff: Fine. Give me your card. Abed: I don't think you understand. I wanna wear it out of here. (Cut to Britta about to leave the classroom.) Britta: Thanks. (As she departs she notices Jeff and Abed have traded shirts; Abed's is noticeably to small for Jeff. He shows off the card he got for his shirt to Britta.) Jeff: What are the odds? Britta: Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds? I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for three weeks. It's almost like you gave it to him so he would switch cards. Jeff: I gave Abed my shirt because I'm not selfish. Which is something I guess you'll finally discover while we are working on this. Tomorrow night? Dinner, drinks? Britta: I think that's something that we should discuss with our partners. Oh, see, I did switch cards. (Pierce approaches Jeff with a card he got from Britta.) Pierce: Can you believe this? What are the odds? Heh, heh. That's a nice shirt. Wanna sell it? Jeff: Yes. Act 2 Act 2, Scene 1 Pierce: What's the moist towelette industry like? Oh. Believe me, it's nothing like the product. No, it's a hard, dry, large business. Destroyed all my marriages. It didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Heh. Can you believe that? Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine. So the assignment is to, uh, write a Spanish conversation using those five phrases that Pierce: Ooh. Hemingway's lemonade. Jeff: We don't need to make this a long evening. Pierce: What am I, a piece of garbage to you? Jeff: What? No. Pierce: Got you. Hey, come on, let's have one drink before we work. Mm, mm, mm. To the empowerage of words. Jeff: To the irony of that sentence. Pierce: So, what's up with you Jeffrey? It seems like you got a burr up your ass or something. Jeff: Well, I guess that it's, uh I think it's Britta. Pierce: Forget Britta. All you have to know about her is her name. What is she, a water filter? I mean, heh, heh, she's ugly. Jeff: Okay. Why don't we start with me saying, donde... Pierce: What the hell are you doing? Jeff: Our assignment. Pierce: Oh, no, no, no. This is the first time people are gonna see Winger and Hawthorne together. We're gonna show them we're a force to be reckoned with. Come on, let's brainstorm some story ideas. Better yet, before we do that, let's ask ourselves what is a story? Jeff: Oh, my God in heaven. Act 2, Scene 2 Protesters (Chanting): We hate Guatemala! We hate Guatemala! We hate Guatemala! Shirley: If you like that brownie, you're gonna hate what's going on in Guatemala I'll tell you that. Google it. (Spots Britta.) Oh, hey, hey. Hi. (To a student.) Raise the truth. Annie: Okay, once it gets dark, I hand out the candles, and we do what's called a speechless protest. We put tape over our mouths and gather hand in hand in a sea of outraged silence. (Star-Burns starts playing a loud rap song over the speakers. Britta rushes over to stop him.) Britta: Star-Burns! No! No! No! Annie: Britta, what's gotten into you? Britta: This is not how you do this. Shirley: It's not how you do it. We're doing everything. Britta: But this is tacky and lame...I didn't mean that, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was that this cause is really personal to me. Annie: Are you saying that we're not allowed to protest? Britta, you sound just like Guatemala. Shirley: Somebody has a case of ‘’luse fringe politics to make themselves feel special but doesn't actually ever want to do anything"’’ - itis. Britta: No, I do things. I...I went to...I don't do anything. What can I do? Annie: You can hang the Chacata Panecos piñata. Britta: You guys realize he was beaten to death, right? Shirley: That's where we got the idea from. Annie: Poignant. Act 2, Scene 3 Pierce: All right. Okay, tell me what I've got so far. What we have so far? Jeff: Well, we have something incredibly long and very confusing, and a little homophobic. And really, really, specifically, surprisingly and gratuitously critical of Israel. It's called "Two Conquistadors." It should be "dos." I mean, it is Spanish class. Oh, which reminds me. The only thing not included in this epic are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade. Pierce: You're right. Needs more work. Abed: What are you guys doing? Jeff: I have no idea. Troy: We're headed to the demonstration. Pierce: What hippies? Troy: Some cause Britta's into. Abed: It's a silent protest, lots of candles. Gets the ladies in the mood for social change, if you know what I mean. Good chance to put some miles on this shirt. Pierce: You realize these conversations are due in the morning, don't you? Troy: Oh, yeah. Right. What do you wanna do? Tsk. Abed: Hola, mi llamo Abed. Troy: Hola, mi llamo Troy. Abed: Donde esta la biblioteca? Pierce: La biblioteca esta en la cuidad. Abed: Gracias. Pierce: Hacks. Okay, what do we do about the ending of act two? Jeff: I'll tell you what we're going to do. We are gonna take this and we're gonna put it in a museum for crazy people. And then we're going to take this and memorize five phrases from it tomorrow morning before class. Good night. Pierce: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're bailing on our first sausage fest? This is your definition of friendship? Jeff: No, this is my definition of you trying way too hard and me finding it harder and harder to stay polite. This was a fine enough way to spend an evening devoid of hope, but the woman I kind of like is out in the moonlight caring about something stupid. And this is my chance to show her that I care enough to act like I care about it too. Pierce: That's all you had to say, Jeff. Jeff: That was it? Oh, that would have been great if I had done that two hours ago. Act 2, Scene 4 (Jeff goes outside and purchases a sign from a protester.) Britta: Nice sign. Jeff: Thanks. I like what you've done with the place. Britta: I think was a little too harsh on you. I'm not perfect. Jeff: I am. I'd be happy to show you the ropes. Pierce: Awesome. Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger. Too awesome for old Pierce with your hip shirts and your gelled hair and your cool tape over your mouth. Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth? Jeff: It's a protest, Pierce. Pierce: Oh, good. Because I know what I'd like to protest how much you hurt me. Abed: Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family. Troy: You have horrible breath right now. Pierce: First, you constantly blow me off, then you want me to do your homework. Then you tell me I'm trying too hard to be your friend so you have to go. You had to come out here to pretend to care about the stupid stuff she cares about. His words, not mine. Jeff: He is paraphrasing. I’ve got an idea. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about sperm. Pierce: I'll show you some sperm, buddy. Is this your idea? What the hell? Fire! No, I'm not ready to die! Jeff: He's He's jumped in the fountain. He's fine. Pierce: Please call 911. Act 3 Act 3, Scene 1 Shirley: Have you seen it? We did it, girl. Page three. Annie: It's about Pierce, but listen to that paragraph. "The incident occurred during a protest regarding events in Guatemala. Shirley: This isn't the school paper. This is a real damn newspaper. There's a Marmaduke in here. Britta: It's more than I ever accomplished. Shirley: You know about ethnic cleansing in Burma? We need to bust out that brownie mix. Jeff: Morning. Britta: Morning. Britta: Oh, no, I get it. Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor Day, and you'd like a fresh start. Jeff: Nice try. It's actually Secretaries Day. It says that I'm sorry about crashing your protest with that drunken, self-immolating baby boomer. Shirley: We don't blame you. Pierce has been on my watch list. Troy: That dude is crazy. He told me girls have two pee holes. Annie: I sang Christmas carols at a nursing home once. I've seen the face of dementia, and last night, I saw it again. Britta: You know what he did that's really crazy? He offered me a 100 dollars to switch cards with him just so he could be partners with Jeff. I think he thought getting closer to Jeff would bring him respect in the group. I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself, and he would trade it all for a shot at some kind of family. Chang: Hola, class. All right, time for our presentations. First up was supposed to be Jeff and Pierce, but Pierce explained the situation to me. There was a falling out, things were said, people were betrayed. Wow. Jeff, having heard Pierce's side of the story, the thing to do would be to give you a C and let Pierce do his presentation alone. If that sounds fair to you. Jeff: That doesn't sound fair to me at all. I understand if you don't wanna be my friend. But this thing that we've created, it is bigger than the both of us, and it deserves to be done right. Pierce:All right. Chang:Okay, um, guys, why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations. They're not supposed to... Jeff:...take Your breath away? Well, tough. You ready, amigo? (A long montage of Pierce and Jeff doing their presentation plays out which is set to the Aimee Mann’s song “ .”) Chang: F (pointing to Jeff), F-minus (pointing to Pierce). Pierce: What? Did you say S? Act 3, Scene 2 Britta: So that was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Which I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act. So I'm impressed. Jeff: How do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you? Britta: A smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class will be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again. (Britta walks away as Jeff calls after her.) Jeff: No, I know. I thought of that. (Britta briefly glances back at Jeff.) Jeff: She looked back. Pierce: You did an all right job up there, my friend. Jeff: Thanks, Pierce. Pierce: A couple of notes. You got this thing you do with your face when you're trying to be funny . that forces people to think about how cool you think you are. End Tag Troy: Donde,﻿ está, la biblioteca. Me llamo T-Bone La araña discoteca. Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, La biblioteca es en bigote grande, perro, manteca. Troy: Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño, cabeza es nieve, cerveza es bueno. Abed: Buenos dias, me gusta papas frías, bigote de la cabra Es Cameron Diaz. Yea boi. Boi. Yea. Troy: What. Abed: It’s 2009. Troy: Word. Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts